How much television do you watch each week?
I’ll let this recent news article answer that question.
The Australian Government is to market Australian Network Television as the favoured torture method for extracting information from international terrorists.
Recent clinical trials have shown that when matched against traditional favourites such as, electrocution, chinese water torture and the rack, Australian Television provided, not only an increase in total percentage of information extracted, but also significant improvements in the speed with which that information was forthcoming.
Test subjects consisted of the finest and brightest marines from each of the major armed forces around the world. All subjects had been on active duty for a least ten years, serving in some of the most dangerous and inhospitable regions of the world.
Leader researcher, Kyle Sandilands stated:
"Identifying recruits that we considered to be ‘hard-as-nails’ was key to the success of our work. Hard-as-nailers are generally unlikely to give up information; they truly are wonderful secret-keepers."
After initially identifying over one hundred candidates, researchers narrowed the field to twenty-five potential test subjects through three months of rigorous viewing habit examinations, intelligence tests and online voting polls.
After six further weeks of fast-track secret-keeping training, lessons in the art of deception and strategic cover-up advice, the final selection process involved subjects removing money from their wife’s purse intended for that weeks grocery shopping. Candidates were then instructed to purchase as much alcohol as possible and consume it.
Unbeknownst to recruits, footage of their theft had been recorded. Video taps were supplied to all wives involved who were then given the opportunity to mastermind the kidnap of their husband and lead the interrogation. Subjects that successfully denied their involvement in the theft were then invited to join the program.
The research program has been sponsored by all the major Television networks across Australia. One CEO, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that:
"The real key to the effectiveness of Aussie TV as a torture method stems from our rework of international favourites such as Masterchef and Top Gear. The key is to destroy the content and add ‘Australia’ at the end of the program title. A truly original and ground breaking concept."
A research memo leaked this morning reveals that individuals subjected to several episodes of ‘Marry my daughter' suffered uncontrollable urination, excessive flatulence, severe headache, heavy sweating and eye trauma.
However, the training program has been viewed as controversial by some government ministers. Reports claiming that tax payers money will be used to rehabilitate soldiers exiting the program have infuriated leaders of the opposition who would rather see the money ploughed into public services and education.
"The continued success of Australia is paramount. We are the only country in the world where our television is able entertain real Australians and simultaneously be utilised as the top method for information extraction amongst the terrorists of the world.
We must stay the path and be strong. The quality of programming must continue. We shall produce yawn-inducing programs, horribly long news reels and painful reality TV.
We must commit to this cause. No longer are barbecues important. Throw out the shrimps and forget the sandy beaches. We do not need kangaroos.
It is our commitment to awful television that defines what it is to be Australian today.”